WONDERINGS

4 years later.

OMG, this would’ve been so cool if it had been a zombie movie, right?!

Being a zombie would’ve been easier.

Being unemployed?

A close second.

Turns out, having nowhere to be has been unexpectedly good for me.

Not exactly The Walking Dead, but it’s been one hell of a plot twist.

Not the money side, obviously. But the waking hours to do bugger all? Magnificent.

Of course, I’m a liar. I’m a Capricorn. When has a goat ever sat around doing nothing? Never. Going. To. Happen.

So instead of embracing my newfound freedom, I’ve been writing, gardening, doing cryptic crosswords, cleaning the toilets, walking a second-hand cray-cray Kelpie, making chicken biryani and wondering how, at 54, I ended up living in Queanbeyan, New South Wales, wearing Birkenstocks with socks.

How the fuck did I land here?

Four years ago I was recovering from surgery, wearing the most spectacularly ugly post-op bra ever designed to support The Girls on their recovery journey. I was in a loving relationship. Radiation hadn’t started. Chemo was still around the corner.

Four years.

It feels like an eternity.

Not because life stopped, but because so much life happened in those four years. Cancer. Treatment. Recovery. Relationships ending. Leaving the job I’d had for eleven years (and loved). Starting again at an age when society quietly suggests you should be partnered, have your shit sorted.

I don’t have the words for what those years were. They weren’t character-building. They weren’t a gift. They weren’t “the lesson I needed to learn.” They were long. They were cruel. Quite frankly, they were shit.

I don’t believe in Higher Powers or that everything happens for a reason. I think the universe throws us a pile of crap – mixed with just enough good stuff to keep us from giving up completely – then stands back and watches the train-wreck unfold.

Which leaves me wondering … is the universe running an elaborate social experiment, or is it just seriously having a laugh?

Either way, here I am.

Still standing. Still learning. Still making chicken biryani and wearing Birkenstocks with socks 🙈.

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