1 July 2022
Happy New Year! A joyful day for us accountants, we can wash away a years’ worth of mistakes, wipe the slate clean and start afresh (a bit like religion – without the self-flagellation). Yay for us!
9:00am. Appointment with GP to have Mirena removed (due to the little cancer fucker feeding on the progesterone released (in minute amounts) by the IUD (not to be confused with DUI or IED).
Doc running on time – it’s a miracle.
Do you mind if a med student sits in on the consult?
Not a problem.
Oh, and would you mind if she examined your breasts – so she can feel what an abnormal lump feels like?
Happy to oblige. All in the name of education and medicine.
Now stripped off – like completely – including my socks.
First stop: the undercarriage. Speculum too short, need a bigger one. Running commentary from the doc for the benefit of the med student, she is very descriptive and thorough. I feel like a walking piece of art. I’m advised the extraction procedure may cause the cervix to have a bit of a conniption. I may experience some pain, bleeding, dizziness or feel faint/pass out (WTF?)
I assume the position. The GP and the med student (bless her) having a little fossick around for The Thread.
It’s gone.
The IUD is MIA.
My GP asks whether I have ‘felt the string recently’. I admit no, I haven’t been fossicking around down there recently (should I have been checking??)
I’m seriously hoping it’s fallen out because if it’s still in there, worst case scenario is it will need to be removed in theatre under anesthetic. I kind of suspect that’s what may be required … I’m not pregnant and I’m not menopausal so the contraceptive is obviously still effective. GP: you will need to go for an ultrasound to determine if the Mirena is there and if so, where it is. I'll write you a referral.
Tuesday, 12 July 2022
I got a Mirena just over 5 years ago to reduce period pain, discomfort (cramps, heavy bleeding). The contraception provided by the Mirena was a bonus (or at least would be if I was getting the donut stuffed on a regular basis …🍆 🍩) I’ve had no issues with it, was literally set-and-forget. Bit like a crock pot.
Fast forward 5+ years and I discover I have a tumour growing in my body. A mutation that has a strong ‘link’ to hormones. In particular, progesterone – which is what the Mirena and mini-pill release (a synthetic form of) in teeny tiny amounts. Enough to prevent pregnancy.
While there are some types of breast cancers that involve no hormones, most are hormone-positive.
If you google ‘link between breast cancer and Mirena’ you will find pages and pages of theories. In summary, there is no conclusive evidence. Lot of statements like ‘… there’s not enough data …”; “more research is needed”.
Like any medication you take or anything you put into your body, it is about weighing up health benefits and health risks. BIG question: would I have had the IUD inserted 5 years ago knowing I would receive this diagnose? Yes. You can make of that what you wish.
10:30am
Good morning! says the technician and her student-nurse-assistant
Hi (me with whoppingly full bladder, no time for niceties)
Did they tell you would be having an internal scan today as well as an ultra-sound?
No, they did not
Yay. Oh man, was not prepared to have anything stuffed into the bearded clam today … if I’d known, I would have squeezed in some thoughtful lady-scaping. No matter.
She goes to town with the ultra-sound, pressing down firmly on all the nether regions – including greatly engorged bladder – giving a running commentary to the student nurse (who knew my left ovary was further away than my right? apparently you can make out the bowel from the ovary because it’s ‘moving’. Really? I feel violated someone is looking at my ‘bowel movement’ – that wasn’t on the referral...)
Some paper towels handed and off to the toilet to empty my bladder ie. take a piss. She makes a point of telling me to squeeze extra hard, make sure it’s all out! I will. Thank you.
Time for The Probe. Pants off, gown on. I always take my socks off. Seems weird to leave them on … right? I assume the position and there we go. A bit of lube and she sails on through. If any gents are (still) reading, believe me there is no joy/thrill/divine, celestial moment being on the receiving end of this penetrative device. It makes me feel ill. I just want it out and for it to all go away.
Good news!” I can see the Mirena – and the thread, it’s in the right place, your GP should be able to remove it.
How?
You will need to speak to your GP about removal. Here’s some tissues. Clean yourself up. Get dressed. Best of luck!
That will be $298, thank you.
That was Tuesday. On Thursday I received an auto-message from my GP offering ‘results' but the link took me to make a non-urgent-booking. Within the next 4 weeks.
Long story short: the Mirena is yet to be moved.
Score:
Tit Tumour: 1
Me: 0
The Full Bush Rat
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